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Ron's Story

Rons Ramblins
(ron@arthritisinsight.com)

Today's Ramblins are not quite as light as some of the ones that have preceded it. It is a very difficult column for me to write.

Today I want to talk a little bit about a silent and little talked of result of Arthritis or other chronic pain causing diseases: DEPRESSION. 

It is a dangerous thing. I know. I just spent 4 days in the hospital being treated for it. It is a sneaky rascal that silently stalks you. You think you have everything under control, yet day after day of living with the pain associated with arthritis, and the stigma attached to it, dealing with it and trying to work with either the pain or under
the influence of pain medications. Add to that the lack of understanding that many people have about the disease (how many times have you heard; Arthritis, oh yeah I have some of that too, just take a couple aspirin and it will go away) and the impact of the medications that many of us take and you have just lit the fuse for a major explosion.

The depression is something that you may not even recognize that you have, or you may not know how serious it is. Please take the warning signs of depression seriously, changes in sleeping patterns, withdrawal from friends, feeling sad, changes in eating habits, can all be symptoms of a very dangerous disease. 

The good news is that depression is treatable. Generally it is brought about by a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stress, chronic pain and many other things. My plea to you is that if you feel that you have any of the symptoms or think that you might be depressed seek professional help. 

I said in the beginning of the article that this was a hard article for me to write. The reason that it is so hard to write is because I ignored many of the signs of depression. During the 4 days that I was in the hospital, I was under a suicide watch. I am not proud of this fact and am sure that there will be some stigma attached to my admission that I came very close to taking my own life. I now am very thankful that my wife Linda was very observant and took the pills away from me and that she was strong enough to call and get me the help I needed. All it took was a minor change in my medications to make me feel much better about myself and about the world around me.

I hope that each and every one of you who suffers from chronic pain or who feels blue about your condition or circumstances will take stock of where you are and if you feel that things are the least bit out of control, please find someone to talk to. Please get help. Please do not let it go as far as I did. 

There is usually someone around the site that is willing to listen and who cares about you. If you can't find anyone here, call a friend. I assure you that no friend will mind being awakened in the middle of the night to talk about real problems like depression. Finally, and most of all, if you even think that you suffer from depression, get professional help.

I hope that each of you will take my admissions and concerns to heart. Had Linda not been paying attention, I would have hurt the ones I love most and would not be here to share this with you today.

Please learn and heed the signs of depression. I will always make myself available to listen and share my experiences.

((((((((((((((((((Hugs to all)))))))))))))))))))))

The article above was published in the AI newsletter on May 10<sup>th. I received tremendous support from many of my friends here on the site.  I learned a lot. It was amazing to me to find out that there were so many people in the same boat people who at some time in their lives have had such a disregard for life that they tried to escape from this world. That is not the answer, that is the easy way out, the cowards way out.  I have been in counseling both with a therapist and with a psychiatrist since the day I tried to end my life.  I have gotten much better, that does not mean that I am well, a long way from it. However, my outlook is pointed a positive direction and I can now rationally accept some things that were denied before. What is, is. If I cant change it, then I should not worry about it. My medications have been adjusted several times since my incident and I generally remain calm and focused on what I can do to make me OK. 

That is not always an easy taskI am pretty darned hard headed some times (ask KJ). 

While things are for the moment under control and I am able to function in the real world, the stresses of work, the ending of an 18 year marriage and the financial responsibilities that go with that, the isolation one feels because it appears that you have lost your friends because of the divorce, the responsibilities of caring for 3 young children could either singly or congregated become a trigger if I let them. But I wont let them.  I can do nothing to change these things, so I must accept them and go on with my life.  I will not tell you that it is easy or that I dont have really bad days (crying in the therapists office) but I have learned one thing. I always carry my counselors phone number and pager number with me.  I will not hesitate to use it if things get bad.  I all so carry the number of several crisis hotlines. I have to acknowledge that I am still vulnerable and am learning to take care of me. 

I know much of the above sounds selfish and like part of the me generation philosophy, but if you think about it no one can take care of the inner you better than you. The things that I wrote in the article still remain true. If you suspect that you have depression tell someone, your RD, PCP, or whoever can get you some help.  All life is too precious to waste.  You are important.  If you doubt that, just go to the message boards and read through our members helping each other or to the chat room and talk with others who have been or are in the same spot.  You are an important resource for the newly diagnosed person. You are a shoulder for the person in pain, and you are an ear for someone who needs to talk through things. Never underestimate the importance and power of YOU. Dont ever let anyone tell you that you are unimportant or that you cannot make a difference. 

I am one of the lucky ones; I am still here to tell you that I understand what it is like because I have traveled that road before.  I really feel lucky and privileged to be here to write this. The Psychiatrist who heads the unit where I spent my little vacation made one statement that I will never forget. She said, Men generally do not attempt suicide, they usually commit suicide.  I keep that thought close.  Next time I might succeed so I want there to be no next time. I say this because chronic pain of any kind can be debilitating to your psychological being as well as your physical being. 

Please if you begin to see any of the warning signs, get help, talk to someonethere is usually here.  Find a therapist a psychiatrist of even a suicide prevention hotline.

Depression at almost any stage can be treated through medications and counseling. Yeah there is a stigma to admitting that I needed to use a psychiatrist or even that I am seeing a counselor, but they have turned my life back in the tight direction.  For that I want to thank them.  They have found the right medication that helps keep me out of the up and down cycles of depression.  They have taught me to have an anchor within me that I can hold on to. They have taught me how to deal with my anger. They have taught me how to relax. 

I still have a long way to go but with your help, and their help, I will be here and happy for a long time to come. 

As you finish reading this, there are several things to keep in mind:

• Know the warning signs of depression;

• Know that whether you believe it or not, someone cares very much   about you;

• Dont give up. If you give up, then the depression and pain win;

• Believe in yourself. You are important to a lot of people;

• Most importantly, if you even think you might be depressed GET SOME HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL.

If you want additional information about depression and how sneaky it can be in getting you in its clutches and the warning signs of the disease, please read all of the information presented in this discussion.

Thank you all for being here.  ((((Big Group Hug)))

  ~IndyRon